you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
