Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
