Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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