Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
