I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
