She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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