why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
