White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
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