it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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