I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
