Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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