How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Randomize
