she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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