you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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