They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize