apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It's just like the Real World with babies
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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