I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
