i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
