Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Randomize
