i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
