1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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