I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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