You can't special order awesome
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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