Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Text me some of your sweat
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