At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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