Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
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