I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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