dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
