You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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