Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
