I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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