sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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