Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
