Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Im part way to drunk.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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