The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
