How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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