By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
