I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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