girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
