I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
