mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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