Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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