I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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