Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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