So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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