He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
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