I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
