i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
