you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
