Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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