I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
