When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
