yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
operation harelip BJ is a go
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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