Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
that may or may not have been my penis.
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