you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
