My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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