I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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