I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
