you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize