Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
